IT'S ALL "FILLER" TODAY, BEEYOTCH! WHAT'S STALKING GOT TO DO WITH IT? You know, there's a very fine line between pitching woo and being a terror-inducing stalker. Unfortunately for us men, there is no book of rules to follow, which means that line invariably has to be drawn by the individual objects of our intended affection. Take the case of Frank Fuchs, for instance. In high school, 1971, Frank took Carla Beyerl to a Valentine's Day dance, and though she has yet to agree to a second date, that hasn't dampened his romantic ambitions. Thirty-two years later, he's still angling for that second shot... though his technique could sure do with some fine-tuning. Sadly, Carla, now 46 years old, wants nothing to do with him, and considers him to be a threatening nuisance. "I never know where he's going to show up," she recently told the press, on the courthouse steps where Fuchs was being charged with felony stalking. "I keep my doors locked all the time, even when I have guests over. I don't know what to expect of him next." So… what horrible acts has Fuchs committed in his insane quest for Carla's love? Why might he be going to prison for the next three and a half years? Let's go down the checklist: In 1993, Carla received the anonymous gift of a poem she had written for the school yearbook, and a bouquet of flowers. It was the first of many gifts to follow. Other terrifying objects Fuchs anonymously sent to Carla include a stuffed Santa Claus in a speedboat, a stuffed pumpkin with legs and a "giggle ball," all of which were sent around major holidays. In 2001, Fuchs escalated his campaign of terror by calling Carla on the phone and hanging up on her. Then he started parking outside her house and stealing her garbage. Then he started following her around wherever she drove. Well, okay... at the outset of this story, yer old pal Jerky was originally pretty sympathetic to old Franky, but he seems to be turning into a totally creepy asshole, doesn't he? I guess that'll teach me to read the entire story at least one time all the way through before I starts to plagiar-- I mean paraphrase it for the Daily Dirt! Anyway, moving right along... *** **** *** NOTES TO MYSELF! Note to my fat self: Stay out of cemeteries! At least, don't walk over graves until after next month's combination liposuction/stomach-stapling procedure. Note to my childish self: Find an ice-cream truck that sells shocker pens for four bucks apiece, and buy a shitload. Failing that, pay nearly ten times as much to buy them online. Ain't the internet AWESOME?! Note to my flatulant self: Stay out of New Zealand! At least, not without a steamer trunk full of Beano or Gas-X or other similarly intestine-soothing bromides. Or, failing that, one stout cork for every day of my visit. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 24 On this day in 1717, the first Freemason lodge is founded in London. And they still won't let me join, even though I've got a second hand apron. On this day in the year 1963, the first ever videotape recorder is demonstrated before a rapt audience at BBC Studios in London... and thus, the first, tentative steps in the Great Pornpgraphy Revolution are taken. HAPPY SAINT JEAN BAPTISTE DAY to all my fellow Franco-heritage-sharing Daily Dirt readers! Take it from yer old pal Jerky, you haven't lived until you've partied by a gigantic bon-fire with fifty-thousand drunken French Canadians on the Plains of Abraham while totally-hot prostitutes ply their trade in plain site and acid-tripping "Raellian" freakazoids off themselves by diving head-first into the living flame! TABARNAC!!!

THEY SAID IT! "The depth of dumbness of the people I'm working with... I'm telling you, this thing could happen again tomorrow up there. I mean, they have learned nothing." - Lubbock criminal defense attorney Rod Hobson isn't very hopeful that the small town of Tulia, Texas - where one of the most egregious law enforcement debacles in recent history took place - is ready to mend its ways. Skip ahead to the bottom of the page to read the anecdote that explains why, exactly. *** *** *** "Hey Mike! Your hands may be fast, but bullets are faster!" - Brooklyn partier Samuel Velez surely deserves a certificate of merit from the Darwin Awards people after walking up to infamous cannibal rapist Iron Mike Tyson in a hotel lobby, speaking the above words, and faking like he was pulling a gun from his pants. Tyson showed his appreciation for Velez's little "joke" by beating him senseless. Click on the link for a picture of the guy.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Will Rogers... A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "how is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??" "No... it's turned black!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Henry Bent for sending in today's second joke. The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam says, "The same as the short ones." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Richard Chase sent in this shitty run-on joke. A guy walks into a bar and looks around and he notices that he went in a gay bar so he turns around to leave the bartender runs up to him and says why don't you come to the bar and have a drink?no thanks i should get going so the bartender says ok if you come to the bar i will buy you a free drink so the man thinks about it and agrees to go have that drink and the bartender says your the man of the century.The bartender leaves and comes back in ten minutes and goes to the guy and ask him what do you call your penis the guy looks at him and says what?the bartender says what do you call your penis see that guy over there calls his nike just do it and that guy over there calls his coca-cola just for the taste of it so what do you call your penis?So the guy sat there and thought of it and says its secert the bartender says it all right you can tell me i won't tell anybody so the guy says its secert strong enough for a man made for a women

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; I have been a loyal and advocate reader of the daily dirt for many years, your insight has shed new light to many of my paradygmas. Having said that, I have a question for you; When does a blind man know he's finished wiping after taking dump?? Signed: Cronos_28 Dear Cronos; That's a damn good question. In fact, it has stumped me. Therefore, I have to turn to my blind friends to ask them directly how they handle this delicate task. Unfortunately, I don't have any blind friends. So, would any of you blind people out there reading the Daily Dirt like to take a stab at answering this question? Hello? Blind people? Anyway, maybe give it a think and get back to me later. *** **** *** jerky - what kind of cum gargling, sperm belching idiot puts "wait for it" at the end of their joke, right before the punchline? I've seen this at the tail end of several jokes on here and quite frankly, it bothers me. Signed: grayboo Dear Grayboo; It bothers YOU?! You're not the one who has to wade through a hundred joke submissions per day - most of which I've seen a thousand times already, and many of which are simply cut-and-pasted from the previous week's Daily Dirts - nor do you have to deal with the endless parade of addle-pated Froot-Loops who write me with their wounded protestations, such as: "How could you do it, Jerky? How could you credit that blonde-with-a-box-of-cornflakes joke to 'Huggybear' when you know perfectly well that it was I - Sinatrafan_109 - who sent that joke to you?! Well, guess what, asshole... I have contacted my lawyers and am currently reviewing my options! They say I have a good case, so FUCK YOU, JERKY!!!" Oh yeah; yer old pal Jerky just LOVES putting together the 'jokes' section every day... *** **** *** Dear Jerky; Bush this, Iraq that, 9/11 the other, my god can't you people think of any of the other thousends of simple topics to write and cry about just for a change. It really is getting so bloody boring now that I would rather listen to my granny waffle on for hours about nothing. Come on guy's let's spice it up a little. Signed: Dean O'Grady Dear Dean; Which of these hypothetical "thousends of simple topics" do you suggest we take on? Winning strategies for playing the slots? Pork rind manufacturing techniques? Rape among the Bonobos? Pick one and we'll run with it. But in the meantime, let me ask you a question: If a mile-wide asteroid were careening towards the Earth, threatening to wipe out civilization as we know it in the near-but-indeterminate future, what the hell would YOU be talking about?!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ORWELL, ORWELL, EVERYWHERE... Care of: J. MacKinnon Jerkster; You had a letter from Scott, who said "I'm reading 1984 currently... a fucking incredible book... but also scary when you realize that there ARE parallels between that book and the society we live in." Which is kind of funny when you know what 1984 is about. The story 1984 is not (as most poeple think) about how society might be made into a fascist state where your every thought is monitored and controlled. The story's point is, how do you know it isn't already? George Orwell worked as a government censor in WW2 and was horrified by how much reality was distorted and public expression and thought controlled. He wrote a book about it which he didn't title 1984. The name was his publishers. Like everyone else, they thought it was warning to be on gaurd against a future threat, when Orwell meant to tell people they already didn't know what was real or not. Cheers, J. MacKinnon [Next thing you're gonna tell me, Animal Farm was a documentary! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com